Turning the Tables

Borders bookstores went bankrupt in 2011, not because they weren’t pleasant places to lose oneself in, and perhaps down a well-made coffee while doing so, but because their management lost its way in the digital forest which had materialized around them. That happened to lots of businesses just as worthy, especially when they didn’t look back over their shoulder and see Amazon pulling up behind them.

But while the chain was still alive it was at least partly responsible for my becoming a Buddhist. (My calling myself a Buddhist, however, is a claim that the National Association of Buddhists vigorously rejects, and I am picketed by orange-clad monks whenever I appear in public under this banner). It happened this way.

I was in a spiritually vulnerable state, having just come to the end of the fourth volume in the Joseph Campbell series entitled The Masks of God. To say that I was unmoored in that department would have been an understatement. But there on a small table just as you entered the Borders store in Sioux Falls SD was a collection of books on Buddhism, and smack dab in the center was one with the name Buddhism Without Beliefs by Stephen Batchelor. I went for it, read it, went back for more books on the subject, and that was the beginning of a new way of looking at the world and beyond.

After a lifetime of being told that one way was the truth and that was all there was to it, the openness of Buddhism was what was attractive. It also followed a quasi-scientific method which was appealing to someone who thought of himself as a scientist. Those writers told me not to take their word for things, but to find out for myself. And that is what I have done now for the past thirty years.

It’s all Borders’ fault.

Before that adventure with the small table at the bookseller, my only real exposure to Eastern thought had come from a phrase in the movie Beyond Rangoon, where a wise Buddhist man says to the heroine: “Suffering is a promise that life always keeps.” To a man with a strong melancholic streak, this told it like it was.

******

******

FOR SHAME DEPARTMENT

Last October there was, of all things, a comedy festival in Saudi Arabia to which many American comedians were invited. The money offered them was apparently good enough to quiet any qualms they might have had about the Saudi government’s appalling human rights record, tangential participation in the 9-11 tragedy, and its role in the murder and dismemberment of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Saudi leaders seem to believe that if they sponsor enough non-bloody entertainments that we will forget what sanguineous SOBs they are.

Many of these comedians were already very wealthy people who really didn’t need the money. I was disappointed to find several of my favorites on the list, but I will not bother them any longer with my attention or support. Below is the list.

• Mo Amer
• Aziz Ansari
• Wayne Brady
• Hannibal Buress
• Bill Burr
• Jimmy Carr
• Dave Chappelle
• Louis C.K.
• Whitney Cummings
• Pete Davidson
• Chris Distefano
• Omid Djalili
• Zarna Garg
• Ben Hart
• Kevin Hart
• Gabriel Iglesias (“Fluffy”)
• Jim Jefferies
• Jimeoin
• Maz Jobrani
• Jessica Kirson
• Jo Koy
• Bobby Lee
• Sebastian Maniscalco
• Sam Morril
• Mark Normand
• Russell Peters
• Jeff Ross
• Sugar Sammy
• Andrew Santino
• Andrew Schulz
• Tom Segura
• Ali Siddiq
• Aries Spears
• Chris Tucker
• Jack Whitehall

Every one of these men and women now knows their price. Knows just how much it took to turn them into dancing bears performing for the amusement of some very unsavory people, some of whom were quite capable of cutting a man into pieces and hauling him away stuffed into luggage.

******

******

******

Let me tell you the story of my vasectomy. Oh, don’t worry, we won’t go into barf-inducing technical details, it’s more the staging that I plan to talk about.

First of all, the need for such a procedure had become evident, because of my superpower, which was that I was exceedingly fertile. Because of this inborn “talent,” I had already accumulated four lovely children, and there didn’t seem to be any other reasonable way to avoid having that number keep climbing into double digits.

So the preliminaries had been accomplished at a previous visit, and all that was necessary now was for me to show up at the surgeon’s office and within a few minutes one of my problems would be over. All of this was happening during the final weeks of my pediatric residency, in 1969.

So I took a long lunch hour, drove to the doctor’s office, and was taken to the operating suite. I reclined on a table where a low curtain was placed across my chest so that I could see the face of the physician above the curtain, but not the operative area. As was usual, the procedure was to be done under local anesthesia, with me fully awake.

As I lay there, helpless and half-nude, the surgeon injected the anesthetic and then leaned toward me and said: “We have nursing students with us today, would you mind if they observed?”

Now you have to remember that I was at the end of a seven-year training program, and along the way perhaps hundreds of patients had been asked this same question so that we students could learn from each one of them. So I was either going to be a hypocrite and refuse, or ignore my misgivings and let the observers in.

“No, I don’t mind at all,” I lied.

Whereupon six young women were ushered into place around the operating table. I could easily look over the curtain and into all of their masked faces as the next minutes passed and I was being rendered (hopefully) infertile. As the minutes ticked off I watched them closely, thinking that as long as no horror or amusement was expressed in any of those twelve blue eyes my little surgery was going as planned.

Soon enough the students were led from the room, the physician tidied things up, and I dressed to go back to finish my workday at the University of Minnesota Hospital. But the memory of the time when the tables were turned is an indelible one.

******

******

The mild December days continue here in Paradise. Nights get down to the mid-twenties, but daytime temperatures are around fifty. Our valley is snowless, although higher up there is enough of the white stuff to allow the ski areas to open. I am content. Although there used to be something deliciously primal about the feeling of being at home while a blizzard howled outside the window, it is not a feeling that I will be deliberately seeking out any time soon.

Winters as a youth in Minneapolis were something quite different. Plugging engine heaters into the electrical grid to ensure that the cars would start in the mornings. Daily shoveling snow away from the entrances and sidewalks. Patches of ice that hid themselves like highwaymen, waiting for unwary feet to strike them and the human attached to the feet become briefly airborne. Running your car for fifteen minutes just to make it habitable for the drive to school or work.

One below zero day when I was about seventeen, as I was walking to my job at a local grocery store in the early morning dark, I failed to protect my right ear. When I reached the store the ear was had a dead white appearance. As it thawed it became painful, and then it swelled to twice its size and became bright red in color. I didn’t lose any part of the ear, but I learned first hand just what frostbite was all about.

.

The idea of coming back to the tent after a day’s activities and then sitting about congealing in freezing weather seemed … not me. I could be accused of that indefensible intellectual position described by Herbert Spencer.

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation.”

Herbert Spencer

It is true. I should not belittle an activity that apparently brings joy to thousands of people. I have done it only once, and that was for a single night. I should definitely stop thinking of those who pursue the practice of winter camping as “not quite right in the head” (to quote my Grandmother Jacobson). While I have my suspicions on the matter, I must accept that they may actually be quite sane, just in their own peculiar way.

******