War & Peace

I’ve started in on War & Peace, and I believe this will be the fourth time I’ve read it.  It’s an amazing novel, an all time favorite.

It’s quite a fat book, and thus completely unsuited to putting under the odd leg of a wobbly coffee table. It would, however, be great for throwing at intruders should the need arise. Used in this way I think the force generated would be similar to that produced by a brisk swing with your average truncheon.

There are quite a few famous people who think that War & Peace is the greatest novel of all time, which is an interesting thing to say, since there is no one on this planet who has read every novel. And even if they had read everything up until last week, there would be enough new ones published since that time to keep them so busy they wouldn’t have time to write book blurbs at all.

Since I am not an intellectual or a serious writer, I can’t comment on the writer’s art, the book’s form, or anything else smacking of pretensions that I know what I am talking about. What I can say is that each time I read it I was swept up in the stories and came to care about the characters too much to comfortably leave them behind when I finished my reading. Each and every time, I grieved a little that I was done with the book. ‘Nuff said.

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From The New Yorker

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When I was a lad one of my favorite things to eat was green olives. We rarely had them except at holiday meals. I recall one Thanksgiving that I sidled out to the kitchen hoping to score one more olive, but found the serving dish on full empty.

My spirits fell, and then I spied the bottle that the olives had come in, but there were only a few ounces of liquid in it. I stared at it, wondering … could a kid drink that stuff? Would the kid croak? There was no one around, and cautiously I raised the bottle to my mouth and took first a sip and then a great swallow.

It was delicious.

At that very moment my mother snatched the bottle from my hand exclaiming “Don’t DO that, there’s too much salt in it and you could get sick and you could just die!”

(At this point I should mention that this was my mother’s standard exclamation whenever we kids ate something-anything-that she would prefer we not ingest, which included many perfectly safe substances and foodstuffs).

Why tell this story now? Because yesterday when I retrieved a jar of green olives from the refrigerator, there was only one left, which I quickly and quite selfishly ate. But it was not enough olive for me for that particular moment.

I looked at the jar, with that couple of ounces of faintly green brine within. Checking to see that I was alone, I raised the bottle to my lips and swigged away for the first time in more than a half-century.

It was delicious.

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As far as I can tell, our federal government is presently doing everything it can to avoid governing. There are now scores of proceedings where one bunch is trying to unseat, impugn, impeach, or otherwise do harm to another individual or group. Too many to keep track of, really. This keeps them so busy squabbling that they can’t possibly have time to even go to the bathroom at proper intervals, which accounts for some of their irritability.

They seem to have completely lost their minds, at least the part that would allow them to do the people’s business. It has also become obvious that the word “impeachment” has lost whatever negative meaning it ever had, and now is about as important or useful as the airplane you made from a sheet of paper in the fifth grade and tried to sail into the hair of the student in front of you.

In fact, I can foresee the day when if you haven’t been impeached for something your status will be considered diminished, and people begin to wonder just what you are doing in Washington, anyway.

It’s enough to make you want to drink an entire quart of olive brine and kiss the world goodbye..

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From The New Yorker

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It’s only a couple of weeks now until the old guy in the red suit makes his rounds. We don’t go through the routine of chimney, fireplace, milk, and cookies. For one thing we have a hot water baseboard heating system, so it’s come in the front door or fageddaboudit.

One year I had the opportunity to talk with him for a few minutes as the sleigh was getting a stripped bolt replaced on a runner, and I asked him how it was to be still working when no one believed in him anymore.

He said: “First of all, there’s not 100% disbelief, but more like 75%. That’s really not so bad when you compare it to some others. Check out this chart I carry with me to refer to whenever I’m on feeling a little low.”

BELIEVABILITY PERCENTAGES

• Lawyers. <1%
• Parents. 10%
• Grandparents. 50%
• Monster under bed. 93%

“So you see, I’m not doing all that bad, really. Context, me bucko, context,”

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